revealing myself.

thoughts on authenticity and shedding 🌀

Last week, I abruptly and calmly told my hair stylist out of nowhere “I’m cutting my hair off”. Very Sag of me… I know. I gazed over at the 6+ inches of hair that I meticulously grew out after my big chop and smiled internally… it’s shedding season bitches. I can truly admit that this split decision was a signal that it was time to cut off some old parts of myself so that newer versions could be revealed. It was an extremely unhinged act and a well-overdue activation of the revision that I feel streaming through my veins this season. Yeah… all of the things that they say about women cutting their hair are in fact TRUE.

I keep getting these urgent and not-so-gentle nudges to show up and to show up more authentically. When I look at much of my existence, I’ve come to realize that I have been performative, fit myself into boxes, feared shaking shit up, and people-pleased my way through life all while putting the feelings of others before my own. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? It’s definitely been a tough pill to swallow but I’m giving myself grace. This has a lot to do with codependency and my childhood programming which I’ll dive into more in-depth in a newsletter to come.

In order to show up as my real self, I no longer can afford to follow these patterns and behaviors. Day by day, I am experimenting with what it means to be authentic. As I test out my new level of conscious authentic awareness, I am seeing myself being internally rewarded when I am genuine and truthful. It feels risky and scary and bold and new but it feels so damn good at the same time. There is something extremely freeing about no longer bullshitting yourself and others. I’m so grateful for the newfound awareness as I now learn to embody it with myself and in my relationships.

I am learning to finally reveal the many sides of my identity that make up my wholeness. No longer hiding what feels shameful or hideous in the shadows. I am opening up. I am shedding the parts that were a false sense of me and welcoming the parts that I have hidden but have always made me, me. Sometimes in life, we can become so impressionable. To be liked, to be loved. To be wanted, to be needed.

What it’s shown me so far is that I don’t want to spend my energy “performing” so much. I no longer have the energy to put on this show to be liked or desired by others. I just want to express Taylor in her purest state. When I think of myself in this state I am quirky, awkward, vulgar, disheveled, goofy, loud, humorous, a bit chaotic, playful, and very imperfect... just to name a few.  All of those parts of myself do not have to be pushed into a dark closet tucked away from the world any longer. They are worthy of being expressed, loved, and seen.