sacred sundays vol. 7

I wish I wasn't so good at being alone.

self-portrait: frame of mind

And just like that, I feel the haunting familiar feeling creeping in slowly again… loneliness. The difference is now I am able to differentiate a feeling from an action. My feelings of loneliness come from the action of isolating myself. For the majority of my life, I have spent most of my experiences, feelings, and situations, alone. Sure friends and loved ones have been around me, close in proximity but I feel as if I have failed over and over again at allowing people to be actively involved and engaged in my life. I used to light-heartedly and jokingly blame this on the fact that I am an “only child loner girl”, but as I grow I am now recognizing that this excuse is no longer valid.

By the time I was about 8 years old, I’d already learned how to manage taking care of many of my feelings and my needs. I was one of those “self-sustainable good kids” that my parents never had to worry about. While on paper that sounds pleasant, in reality, it was just a coping mechanism. If I didn’t have to ask for anything, it meant that I didn’t have to face one of my biggest learned fears: rejection. This cycle became so ingrained in my everyday lifestyle and habits that it has perpetuated throughout most of my twenties.

The difference now is that I am finally aware and able to recognize that I want to choose differently, no matter how scary that may feel to my ego. I no longer want to do things in the same old ways. I no longer want to isolate myself from the abundant love that currently surrounds me. I have become quite exhausted by how much I have excelled at being alone.

I know how to be alone, I want to be together.

“If you are feeling isolated, then you must seek community.” These are the words that God whispered into my ear one morning. I’m so grateful how the answers just seem to come my way so much easier nowadays. I’ve really been doing my best to pay attention and listen, it’s working. I’ve been reflecting a lot on the truth in the old African proverb, “If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together.” I wholeheartedly agree with this mindset and how fast being alone and doing my own thing has allowed me the privilege of being able to excel quickly in my twenties.

Being able to do so much alone has quickly catapulted the trajectory of my career as I am only a few weeks shy of 30. I’ve had the opportunity to choose myself, my needs, my work, and my goals without anything or anyone holding me back. But I never factored in what would happen when I no longer had the mental capacity energy/ability/strength/fortitude to fully function and take care of myself: cues major depression and anxiety. When an episode of depression or anxiety hits, who can I call in to care for me other than myself? Quite frankly, I have realized just how much I need people.

While I know that my ability to be alone has been a beautiful skill, it no longer feels sustainable for me so I am actively learning what it means to seek community. And as a single woman, living on my own, away from my family, I can not sit around until I get into a deep depressive slump again, I have to intentionally curate community and be openly available to receive it when it comes knocking at my door.

LET’S BE REAL:

Community ≠ Popularity

Community ≠ Followers

Community ≠ Casual Hang Outs

These are some hard truths that I have had to accept lately. When I took time to analyze my life, I realized that my popularity, my followers, and casually hanging out with people here and there does not equal community for me. In this chapter of my life, I need more quality thoughtful time and I want to try my best to attract more from individuals who equally are looking for the same things AND actually have the energy to reciprocally give it. Community requires an active intention to show up, check-in, and establish ways to support and meet the needs of individuals with SHARED VALUES!!! Big BIG B I G emphasis on shared values, please do yourself a favor and figure out what yours are first before seeking the community. It will help in the long run, just trust me here.

Okay, you may say, well that sounds rather simple but I’ve realized that this also means that I have to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations with the friends currently in my life. In the past, my ego’s way of letting people know that my needs weren’t being met was to distance myself, cut them off completely, or just “take care of myself” but when you think about it, that does nothing but cause me to isolate myself even more. I have to establish new terms and agreements with my loved ones and truly see where they are and how we can meet each other in a new and improved-fashioned dynamic. Will they be able to meet me there and vice versa, who knows? But we’ll see. I can’t say that I am particularly looking forward to these conversations, but God is telling me they will gladly understand.

I must say that I feel more empowered than I ever have in my life to truly seek out what I want and need. My isolationism has taught me so much about unraveling my true needs, accepting them, and moving toward them. For so long I have unconsciously denied myself the closeness that I desire in my relationships. And because of this, I have also chased after people who have clearly shown me that they do not have the capacity to support me or show up for my needs. Hell if I’m being honest, I probably wasn’t consciously aware back then to know if I could support theirs either but I want to own that now. Hindsight is 20/20.

But that’s okay, I am learning and I want to change that now. Lately, as I pay more attention and find clarity in the desires of my heart I am seeing clear as day that I have such a huge loving community. I have people who check-in, I have people who give me my flowers, I have people who pray for me, I have people who push me, I have people who see me, and I have people who deeply love me. I want to make more space for these specific people and deeply love them back. I am not naive to the fact that to thrive in community you must also give to receive. I pray that God shows me ways that I can equally show up for the people in my life too.

I hope that this entry can help someone who also suffers from the habit of self-isolation. The more I share my words, the more I realize that I am not alone in my journey and there are so many of us who are silently dealing with similar scenarios. Each time I write there is a voice telling me I’m saying too much, but I have recognized the self-judgement, fears, and doubts of my mind and I no longer am allowing them to win.

I write because it frees me and heals me. It holds me accountable to do what I say I am going to do, even if I fail a few times trying. God has given me a voice and platform to share so here I am showing up doing it. To anyone reading this, keep moving past the familiar story that your mind has created and just try doing one thing tomorrow differently. I promise you it will be so worth it. Sending you love as you expand your experience.

With gratitude,

Taylor Simone

Thank you for reading another entry of my ever-evolving newsletter. If you enjoyed today’s newsletter feel free to share with a friend or consider becoming a paid subscriber for $5 a month. Your support is valued & immensely appreciated. 🤍